Photo by Alexander Zabara

While approaching the opposite sex often has its risks, asking someone to dance is routine. A request for a dance is the perfect cover: there’s a script, which both sides follow.

You don’t have to be creative or cool about it; just follow the script. Even better, if you’re not a good conversationalist, that’s it; after you ask her to dance you don’t have to talk again. Just dance. (Correction: it’s good etiquette to say “thank you” at the end of a dance.)

Identify someone to approach

Some good choices for potential partners include: someone who you know; someone about your dance ability; someone who dances a lot and with different partners; someone close to the dance floor; anyone on the edge of the dance floor, tapping her foot and smiling.

What to say

The opener is straight out of a playbook: “Would you like to dance?” “Shall we dance?” Or a simple “Dance?” Don’t think too hard, just follow the script. A nonverbal request is not uncommon: you offer your hand, smile and maybe nod. I’m somewhat okay with that, although I think a nonverbal request with a stranger is a bit distant (I’d at least throw in the word “Dance?”). What I often do is offer my hand, as a minor nonverbal gesture, as I’m asking her to dance. For a related tangent, Argentine tango dancers have a whole nonverbal ritual, which includes a nod of the head called a Cabeceo.

Rejection is rare

The etiquette in ballroom dance is to always accept an offer to dance. So your requests will almost always be accepted. (Note: that doesn’t mean she’ll be happy about dancing with you, which is a different topic). And you should accept virtually all requests when you’re asked to dance.

If she declines

If she declines, to save a little face, you can respond, “okay, maybe later.” If she declines, it usually comes with a reason, which is the polite way to decline a dance. If you decline, give a reason like you’re tired, or you’re sitting this one out, or you don’t know how to do the jitterbug. The proper etiquette is to sit the entire dance out and not accept a dance from someone else until the next song.

Offer your hand

After she accepts I either offer my hand or, if my hand is already out, I leave it out for her to grasp. The hand thing is a little corny but it shows confidence. I escort her onto the floor still holding her hand, which I find to be a manly gesture. At that point I’ve also established, to some degree, a dance connection before we’ve started dancing. This helps me evaluate what we’re going to do a moment later when we start dancing.

Be a desirable partner

The more dance-oriented the venue, the more it matters how well you can dance. Generally, the better you can dance, the easier it is to attract a partner. If you’re at a dedicated dance venue, the sure way to be the guy that followers seek is to be a good dancer. If you can’t dance, check out this post on how to be the ballroom dance partner women love.

So, are you going to be an arms-folded-hiding-in-the-corner wallflower or are you going to join the group? After years of being the loner on the sidelines, I came to the conclusion that it takes more effort to avoid the dance floor than it does to follow the playbook and ask someone to dance. Don’t think, don’t hesitate–just do it. Action cures fear.

Do you have a favorite way to ask someone to dance?

I relaunched my website/blog—the thing you’re reading—this week on a new platform. I know, it looks a little dreary at the moment. It’ll be under construction for a few months so I’ll try to spruce it up. Hang tight.

My book is finally finished …[pop champagne corks]… Every Man’s Survival Guide to Ballroom Dancing: Ace Your Wedding Dance and Keep Cool on a Cruise, at a Formal, and in Dance Classes. It’ll be for sale on Amazon by the end of January 2010.

Clik here for the Table of Contents to see what’s in the book. And check out four free chapters here: “Counting Music: Finding the Sets of 8,” “Downbeat and Upbeat,” “Slow Dancing,” and “Surviving the Wedding Dance.” Then click over to the Freebie Video page to see the video clips that go with the book. I’m still working on a couple of the vids. Hang tight.

It’s not been easy putting music, rhythm and dance into words, but I think I did it. I’m going to take the rest of the afternoon off.

Instead of stumbling through seven years of beginner’s classes, if only I had stumbled upon a teacher who could relate to me, a guy with no talent in music or dance. If only this teacher had said to me, “Listen, man, there are things you can do before you step into your first dance class that’ll save you from embarrassment. And there’s stuff you can do after class, away from the dance floor—at home, alone—to build a foundation that’ll make learning dance easy.”

Then, as if he were Moses mamboing down the mountain, if only he had presented me with the tablets of dance containing the three things beginners and pre-beginners need to work on:

1. Connect to the music and, especially, the beat of the music.
If you want to do just one thing right on the dance floor, find the beat of the music (Chapter 1, “The Beat of the Music”). Nothing will tick your partner off more–short of injuring her–than being off-time. You don’t have to step on every beat of music but, when you do step, you must step precisely on a beat of music. The key to finding the beat is counting the sets of 8 in the music (Chapter 2, “Counting Music: Finding the Sets of 8“). The key to staying on the beat is feeling the downbeat and the upbeat (Chapter 3, “Downbeat and Upbeat“).

2. Learn the basic dance rhythms: single rhythm, double rhythm and triple rhythm.
A dance rhythm, a phrase coined by Skippy Blair, is the number of weight changes in two beats of music (Chapter 4, “Rhythm Patterns”). Beginners should start with the three basic dance rhythms:

• Single rhythm is one step in two beats of music, which, if you were marking the rhythm in place, is a STEP HOLD (a hold or a touch are words commonly used for a beat of music with no weight change). I deplore the use of “quicks” and “slows”, but sometimes this rhythm is correctly called a SLOW.
• Double rhythm is two steps in two beats of music, a STEP STEP. I cringe at the use of “quicks” and “slows”, but sometimes this rhythm is correctly called a QUICK QUICK.
• Triple rhythm is three steps in two beats of music, which is tricky because your feet must move quickly to step between two beats of music to create a STEP-STEP-STEP.

Skippy has made the simple but brilliant discovery that virtually all of the basic step patterns (the dance figures used to move around the floor) for every dance, usually six or eight beats in length, are just some combination of single, double and triple rhythm. For a wealth of information, check out Skippy Blair’s Dance Dictionary.

3. Burn the most common rhythm patterns onto your brain, especially the 8-beat pattern, double—single—double—single.

This is the mother of all patterns. Not only is it the basic rhythm pattern (a combination of two or more dance rhythms) for salsa and rumba, it’s common in foxtrot. It’s the easiest, most versatile pattern and will get you through most situations. Skippy says it’s the best pattern to use for a wedding dance or a survival dance. Surf your iPod and, standing in place, practice (at home, alone) marking (Chapter 5, “Marking Rhythms”) this rhythm pattern to a variety of music until you can do it without thinking.

Repetition will set you free.

I don’t want to be the best dancer on the floor. I don’t want to compete in dance. When called to action, I just want to NOT be embarrassed. My mission, which I believe is every man’s mission:

To be able to walk onto any dance floor, from a wedding to a nightclub to a New Year’s Eve ball to a cruise to a concert, and perform an admirable dance, with any partner, to any music, with confidence and grace.